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I was one and now I’m three. If Kodiak wasn’t a person, and if he wasn’t my child, I would worry about how completely obsessed I am. I would call it unhealthy. Instead of having anxiety dreams about falling off of my portaledge or black clouds moving in too quickly, now I am constantly looking for my son. Sometimes I find him only to look for him again. Then I’m rescuing him from killer elephants trying to break in through the floorboards. Love has changed everything.
I have spent most of my professional life evaluating, mitigating, and just generally aware of risk. Yet, I have been quite comfortable with taking calculated personal risks. My most recent dreams of climbing in the Trango region of Pakistan and skiing Denali are confused by my aversion to hiking up steep trails with my baby. Now I have something to lose and someone who needs me.

I used to think that people had kids because they did not have much going on. Now I realize how kids enrich us: they strengthen our passion and our connection to life. They force us to be the best people we can be. Part of my life is on hold, but it is far from over. If anything, having Kodiak has strengthened my confidence. For one thing, labor is by far the most intense pain and hard work I have ever experienced. And when the baby is finally here, there is no rest. Never before have I noticed how unimportant my own needs are. I feel powerful and totally helpless at the same time. Empowered to know that I can do anything yet made helpless by a love that changes my desire.